Current Crises

Things have been off for me lately. I'm not sure exactly what it is. Maybe I've been taking myself too seriously. Here are some things that have happened recently that have been on my mind:

1. My practicum supervisor, Dr. Poke-at-you, asked me during our meeting Friday how things were going. Thinking this was a benign question, I admitted that I felt disconnected from things/people/life at my practicum site. She informed me that I felt this way because everyone hates me. Good to know. I admit that she worded this conclusion in a slightly different way, but she went on to tell me that I was wasted everyone's time because I wasn't emotionally connecting and I should consider transferring to a different practicum. Hmph.

2. Armed with the "poor me" feelings stirred up by Dr. Poke-at-you, I asked my site supervisor whether I was doing something wrong. It turns out, he actually thinks I'm doing a good job. I feel vindicated. However, I know better than to tell Dr. Poke-at-you that this conversation took place, as she would have one of two reactions: A) she would brush me off and act as though she never really meant what she said in the first place, or B) she would state that the fact I even had to talk with my supervisor meant something. I'm not sure what exactly she would say it means, but I can guarantee it would involve me talking so much I bore myself and my other group members, which happens about every-other meeting. Congratulations graduate school on making me perpetually sick of the sound of my own voice.

3. My health has been wonky, and not really in a "I know what's wrong with me so I can take medication and get over it" way, but in a "going to the doctor every week and getting numerous blood tests run" way where I then have sat in anticipation hoping that things don't turn out to be serious. Things aren't serious. I'm not actually sick (not terminally or chronically sick), but things are wrong with my body and there is a frightening element of the unknown in my life that I've never dealt with before.

4. For some reason my ability to concentrate has greatly diminished in the past few months. This means that my ability to sit down and write my thesis is practically nonexistent. I don't know what to do; it's gotten unbearable in the last few months and it might actually cause me to flunk classes and not finish my thesis.

5. I would honestly rather be living a different life right now. I find myself daydreaming about a time where I won't be so stressed I can't see straight or so paralyzed by anxiety I can't even get simple tasks done. Josh keeps reminding me that things end eventually-- in a few months I'll be done with statistics forever, and in a few months after that I'll be done with my practicum. But it kind of makes it worse knowing that time goes by so quickly.

6. The only thing that I am absolutely excellent at lately is reading random blogs for hours and hours. I get engrossed in blog-chains and end up reading about the life of a woman who was kind of friends with my sister in high school or about the pregnancy of my friend's 40-year-old step-sister and it has been fascinating to me. It's all I ever want to do! When I was developing my thesis topic, one of my friends suggested that I work blog-reading into my research somehow, but I couldn't think of an appropriate reason.

7. Now for some vanity: I need a haircut. I haven't had a haircut in over a year and it's pretty obvious (see: split ends, flat, limp strands, lifeless color). I know what kind of haircut I want, but it's also only a slight variation of the haircut that I always get, and I'm feeling uncreative. The problem is, with a round face like mine (which is significantly rounder now that I've gained so much Stress Weight), all haircuts but the one I usually get make my face look even fuller. Blargh. Frustration.