Josh's Halloween Rules

This post came about from a conversation I was having with Josh while he carved our Halloween pumpkin and I washed the dishes. He is very serious about the whole Halloween thing and all of these rules are things that I have heard countless times.

1. You're never too old to Trick or Treat. Technically Josh has Trick or Treated every year except for during his mission and that one Halloween where he dressed as Earl. As long as you're wearing a costume, you get candy.

2. A costume is not a costume unless it's a COSTUME! The idea is that Josh takes costuming very seriously. It's not merely just putting on clothes and saying, "I'm somebody else!" Research should be involved. Josh was particularly annoyed when he saw people in college dressed as a "college student." He would like to say to those people, "No, you're a douche bag. It's funny how you could make that costume with things you had just lying around the house."

3. Kids should never be eaten by their costumes. This is a controversial issue, as he realizes safety is a big factor when choosing costumes for kids. However, Josh is always disturbed when he sees kid costumes that are portrayed as a particular character (ie Scooby Doo) when in fact the child's face is completely exposed, usually in the "mouth" of the character. In Josh's opinion, the person becomes not Scooby Doo, but a kid being eaten by Scooby Doo (see below).



4. Beware of the lazy tweens and teens! Just this morning, a couple of tweens rang our doorbell at one pm asking for candy. Josh's first reaction was, "Whoa! It's kind of early to be trick or treating!" The kids replied that they would not be at home tonight and Josh, being the kid (read: gullible) guy that he is, bought their sob story. However, he then noticed that their costumes fell squarely into the oh-so-typical style of "lazy tweenteen." This phenomenon occurs when tweenteens decide they still want candy but want to put in the minimal amount of effort to achieve such. You can recognize this right away by their lack of any actual costume besides a mask or "crazy hat" (see below). They are almost always wearing jeans and look like nothing more than an aspiring bank robber. Note: Josh still recommends giving these kids candy even though their costumes are shameful because they are the most likely to egg your house or TP your tree if you don't comply.


5. Halloween Night Life. Again, Josh realizes that when little kids are involved it is necessary to start trick or treating earlier than one would do with older kids. However, part of the fun of trick or treating is going out in the dark as your friends and classmates make their way to various neighborhood houses to collect their Halloween loot. The question is: How early is too early? In Josh's opinion, anything before 6pm is really pushing it. The prime trick or treating hours are between 7 and the universally recognized ending point of 9pm. Throughout Josh's quarter century career or trick or treating, he has noticed that homeowners' demeanors grow expontentially crankier the closer you get to 9pm. After that, the party is pretty much over. Note: the last fifteen minutes of the 8 o'clock hour can often net the greatest amount of candy, as people often want to get rid of their extra sweets.